More Chemo to Go. More Life to Be Lived. HaBUNAmatata!

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Ah yes, “hakuna matata”, what a wonderful phrase!  As we all learned in The Lion King, it means no worries for the rest of your days.   I have to totally agree with Pumba and Timon, cuz it’s my “problem freeeee philosophy…”,  until…

I hear that after my scans, I may have to be telling my kids about adding more chemo rounds.  (I know, I know, cue a big Debbie Downer…. whaa whaa) It’s something I’ve known was a strong possibility after this last 6th round, but also something my family really hoped we’d just be done with.  I always kept that door open, preparing myself to keep going.

This Tuesday, the day that we were all set to go see Broadway’s touring production of The Lion King,  and sing out from our seats, “HaBUNAmatata” as my family had practiced all week,  I met with my doc to go over my latest scans and discuss my treatment options.

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Good News:  We’ve hit some momentum and are making progress in pecking away at each of my tumors.

Tough News:  We need to continue with this same aggressive CHEMO.  AT LEAST 4 MORE ROUNDS.

Good News:  That means that we’ve found a medicine that works for me!

Tough News:  This chemo gives me a LOT of side effects, some that I mention by way of steady cause/intestinal issues.  My most challenging, that are just unmentionable.

Good News:  I am for once in the rare percent for at least one good side effect- hair growth!  My hair has been slowly growing back since my 3rd round!!!  Who knows,  I may be tossing my a beanies and hats aside before I even finish my chemo?  So crazy!

Tough News:  I would need to figure out how to talk to the kiddos about Mommy still doing more chemo.  I needed some inspiration….

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Well wouldn’t ya know, the Big Guy upstairs didn’t leave me hangin’.  On one hand, I wanted to say that I was receiving crumby news on what was supposed to be such a fun night for our family. What kinda joke was that?!?!  But on the other hand, I realized that it was pretty cool timing, actually.  When I was receiving such crumby news,  God allowed it to happen just before such a wondeful night for our family to lift us up and inspire us.  We needed to remember who we are: A family of FAITH THAT NEVER GIVES UP.  And of course, our motto:  NO WORRIES!

#GlassIsHalfFullofSweetLEMONADE

#HAKUNAMATATA

#haBUNAmatata

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Can I just pause for a second to delight in the how “WOWed” I was by this performance, the creativity, the message, and what it did for me and for my family?!?!

My pal, Dodd Loomis, Resident Director of the Lion King met with us just before the show, and arranged for his buddy, Ben Lipitz (aka: Pumba) to give us a backstage tour after the show (while Dodd snuck in to finish up the last half of our tour. So fun)!  Thanks, guys!!! And Congrats… AGAIN!!!

I’ve got to say, every last moment was impressive, fun, unbelievable, and just… WOW!  But I really don’t know if they know what they did for our family that night.

So here’s a little shout out to them as to what we thought of them that night in the midst of all that we were experiencing this day….

(click on any pic for zoom or slideshow)

Creativity:

Each animal and character was represented in multiple varieties of costume forms from puppet shadows to puppeteering on stage to actors dressed in half costume half puppet figures that were wired throughout their bodies on all the way to their head (ex: the jaguar) which they moved about so gracefully that every glance, twitch, stretch, and leap flowed so seamlessly that your eye gazed across each figure naturally as if it had always been created such a way, while equally being amazed by the sight!  (Whew!  Excuse the run on sentence, I can barely take a breath from my excitement!) The artistry of every costume and the grace of the choreography that went on both on and off the stage to keep such constant colorful “circles of life” happening before our eyes upon the stage, throughout the audience, and in the sounds of the drums beating on the sides of the stages and in sync with the orchestra below was simply fascinating.  Never before have I seen costumes built around people in such away to enhance the make up artists’ expression of each said animal, the puppeteer’s depiction, as well as the costume designer’s expression, all working as one with the choreographers’ movements and director’s vision. It was mesmerizing.  

Production and Performance:

This cast and crew took on something that one may not realize was not in any of their comfort zone’s.  Each dancer, actor, singer didn’t previously dance, sing, and perform in this way before: i.e.  while hauling around heavy mechanical puppets and being lifted off the ground to extreme heights only to quickly move off the stage, be taken out of that particular costume and transformed into some entirely new animal that requires a new set of skills, movements, acrobatics in choreography and technique just to maneuver the new costume.  The skill involved just to move about this stage and make this show not look like a circus, but be a true broadway musical of beauty and inspirational theater, was enough to make my jaw drop.  This cast got it right.  They already brought such fierce yet graceful dance skills, combined with powerful yet velvety voices and stage presence to fill the theater and possibly burst out passersby on the sidewalks just outside.  They are made of something out of this world.  I’m quite sure that this “something” out of this world, is very Godly, and was working through them to carry a very needed message to this world as they travel.  And they did it.  

They did for me. They did it for my family.

The message I got out of it.

This show teaches clearly about the circle of life and how it moves and changes.  Life changes.  Sometimes, life can be confusing and scary.  At times, we can see no way out of those very scary moments. We may even want to run away all together.  But, that can’t solve anything forever not for ourselves or for any of “the village” of people that our lives touch.   What can last forever if we apply both Mufasa’s “Remember who you are” lesson and Pumba and Timon’s “Hakunamatata” motto…. is that if we live each moment, and take each challenge and each joy for what it is, as it comes, then we can face them remembering who we are (people of faith).  Then, we remember the strength that we have within us and behind us (the strength of KINGS (God), as Mufasa reminds us to look at the stars of all the kings out their that are always with us).  Shoot! By the time Simba climbed  back on the top of that Mountain at the end, beating his chest, singin’ “HE LIVES IN YOU!”   Y’all,  I was about to jump up in my seat like it was a Gospel revival and shout, “AMEN, MY BROTHA!!!!”  That dude was on FIIIIIIYAHHHH!!  ‘Cuz if He lives within us,  God’s got us.  So why worry?  HAKUNAMATATA!  

PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7

“CAST YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD AND HE’LL BRING YOU A PEACE AND GRACE BEYOND UNDERSTANDING…”

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The moral of the story:

I can’t say I’m not still kinda overwhelmed by it all, but I can honestly say this, when it came to telling my kids my tough news about all of these added rounds of aggressive chemo,  it was ok.  I turned on my BOB MARLEY, “3 Little Birds”, then after we all kinda chilled for a bit,  I told them about the message we’d learned from LION KING.  So 4 more rounds of chemo felt like just another thing to them.  “Mommy, God son’t leave us hanging’.  Remember, what Simba said? HE LIVE in YOU!”

(sigh)

 No worries. We can handle it, God’s gonna fill us up just like He always has and give us the grace to get through it.  And we’ll do it together.  One round and one day at a time. No worries.

#HaBUNAmatata  

#EveryLittleThingIsGonnaBeAlright

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Chemo Round 6: Gathering Grace For Hacksaw Ridge

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 This was me, yesterday, heading into my 6th round of chemo, every last bit of  all the past rounds of chemo.  not just this go ’round, but all the chemo, radiation, and surgeries of my last diagnosis combined with raising my 5 lil’ chirrens too.

But, as crazy as this meme above looks, and as true as it speaks to the way I feel, ol’ Madea cries out to “da Lort” in the end.  And so do I.  He knows I do.

‘Cuz honestly, He’s the one who keeps me going.  Of course, so does my family.  This crazy big family of mine keeps me going every morning, rain or shine, sick or not. Every minute of our Christmas break, they still wanted to go the movies, have a playdate, bake cookies, have our regular dance parties and build winter wonderlands all over the house.  And so we did.  Life went on. And it should.  I love that they remind me that LIFE is still to be lived RIGHT NOW.  I’M STILL LIVING TODAY, no matter how I feel.  Today is another day that I was blessed to wake up to live.  And that, my friends, is indeed a gift, no matter what challenges I may have ahead.  God will give us what we need to face them.

We’re approaching a new year, not to scoff at the last one, because we got through it with tears and laughter, but together and stronger and so will we in the next. So I thank God for last year and I welcome the next.  Can’t help but wonder and maybe get a little nervous of what lurks behind the next corner, but also be excited of the possibilities of the blessings that I know God will bring in each storm if they do indeed arise.

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Ya see, when I received this new diagnosis of STAGE 4 Metastic Breast Cancer in the Lungs, Chest Wall, and Liver, they told me we’d start out with PLAN A: trying out 6 rounds of aggressive chemo and kinda go from there with more scans to see if we’d need more rounds, switch to a chemo pill, or if by some chance it’d be miraculously all gone and we’d just move on to my maintenance indefinite monthly infusions to keep my lines clear.  As much as I’d loooove for this phase of aggressive chemo infusions to be over with, they have me scheduled for more rounds.  Next week, we’ll reconvene after looking at my Brain MRI and recent CT with contrast to see if, by some chance I could switch to a chemo pill, but it seems my levels (at this point) are pointing in the direction of more taxotere infusions.  We shall see.

Hearing this kinda stuff, after going through round after round, nausea and sickness overload as I get, and losing my hair a second time, sleeping over and over again in front of my kids when they come home from school and all I want to do is be they’re peppy “JUST DANCE- killin’ it on the dance floor mama” kinda woman,  it breaks my heart  to have to go back into these chemo rounds/battles over and over with no clear end in sight.  It’s confused me.  Yet, I keep hearing God in prayers to trust Him, to trust in my doctors, and to know that He’s got me.

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#GodsBigger

#GodsGotThis

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And then I saw a movie with my dad, just before the Christmas break began, that I never thought would relate to me the way it did, but it reached way down into my heart and into my gut and spoke to me.

We saw HACKSAW RIDGE.

If you haven’t yet,  I highly recommend it.  It’s a difficult one, but worth every minute.

I related so well to the story of the soldier knowing in the midst of this war, He felt a purpose in it all.  In the midst of the fight in which I could barely fathom how they could even see through the dust, the quick decision making, the noise, how fast their attackers came, how they just kept going and going, yet he held strong to his purpose… listening to God.  He knew that God was directing him through the battle.  True, the night terrors came, the fear, the stress, the loss of appetite, yet he never retreated.  He never gave up.  This soldier kept going.  Not knowing how much longer he had to go, or seeing a clear end in sight, he just repeated to God,

PLEASE, LORD, HELP ME GET ONE MORE.”

And those words, that simple prayer gave him the strength to keep going and going.  That prayer gave him the strength of a thousand men and helped him to save not only himself, but so many others.

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Since this movie, this same prayer has become my prayer.  With each round of chemo, with each tough week at home trying to be mommy, with each small activity to do with my kids while sick… “help me get one more.”  And God sees me through.  It’s those simple prayers.  It doesn’t have to be fancy with God.  It’s just talking to him, and He sees us through.

And just like in the movie, and just like I’m feeling now, right when you think you’re getting off of Hacksaw Ridge (for me both in going from my last diagnosis and being re diagnosed again now, or hoping for only 6 rounds of aggressive chemo and learning that I probably need to go back in for me) we sometimes get called back onto the Ridge again, and sometimes we go back not knowing how long it will be but going in only with the hopes that God is on our side and will get us out safely on the other side.  Just like before… we put our trust in HIM, surrounded by fellow supportive fighters  (like YOU) praying with us, praying:

“PLEASE, LORD, HELP ME GET ONE MORE”

And we put on our armor and head back into battle, ready to kick some butt!!

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except my armor may look a little more like this 😉 …

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New Chemo Ninja Gear in Full Effect!    #Hiyahh

Although, Sometimes I feel like in my lil’ snazzy stretchy pants, I may come off lookin’ a lil more like this…

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HA!!!  Either way,  I’m dressing’ out,  gearing’ up, and heading back into battle in whatever armor I’m feeling that day and going back into battle with my head in the game ready to kick cancer’s butt all day every day.  No two ways about it.

That’s all there is to it.

As this is the anniversary of a the loss of a dear friend who I grew to know and grieved to lose during this whole cancer ordeal,  The great BEN BLANCHARD,  I can’t help but quote him now in closing as I hail all of these HACKSAW RIDGE battle cries.

For you, Ben:

#NoRETREATNoSURRENDER

God bless you, my friends and to all the friends we’ve lost, missed and pray for in these battles.  We offer up our many challenges along the way, be they cancer or not, we all have our our crosses that we can offer up for one another.

Don’t wait for tomorrow. Today’s the day.

Today’s the day we can love a little more, try a little harder, and let go of whatever’s holding us back to living life more than ever before, no matter how big our cross is.

That’s my plan, even as I head back to chemo today.

And ya know what? Even then…

#EveryLittleThingsGonnaBeOkay

#LordHelpMeGetOneMore

#HacksawRidge

#TeamBuna

#BunasHope

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