I’m smothered.  So smothered by children that I can’t breathe sometimes. But, I have wanted this kind of smothering since I was a little girl.  Even as a dirty little tree-climbing tomboy, I knew I was destined to be a mommy and one with a whole lot of babies!  My dad is one of eight, and when I saw the joy on my grandparents’ faces when they sat in their chairs on Christmas Eve, watching their children’s families roll in again and again ….and again with all the clammering of voices and little feet all around them, I just knew I wanted to be just like them one day.  So, here I am.  And I’m doing it!

I even had the pleasure of visiting my lovely, amazing matriarch/idol of a grandmother a few weeks ago to remind her of how much I pray for her now and have my whole life.  I’ve prayed to have the grace to do what she did and have the big family life like she did.  God heard those prayers, alright.  If you recall, I have 3 angels in heaven (through miscarriage), so that’s a tie!  I have 5 hear to hug, and 3 to pray for me up above.  I did it.  A mama of eight, just like my grandmother, Adelaide (“Adee“).  And guess what.  This stinky ol’ cancer ain’t gonna take that away from me now.  No, sir!  Even if sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed, and frankly..

Still, when I became a mother, everything just kind of clicked.  It’s who I knew I was supposed to be.  Even though, quite honestly, I still have no idea exactly what I’m doing!! Please don’t expect to pick my brain for answers, because I feel like we’re baby stepping this whole family thing one day…err….one hour…. one minute at a time.  Not to say that I’ve lowered the bar.  I merely choose my battles.  When those battles get really ugly, I can always ask myself:

In that case, I think we’re all doing pretty well, right? That’s kind of how I’ve been handling this whole cancer thing too.  I have my good days, I have my bad days, and at the end of most of them, I feel I can safely say, no major flags were thrown and we’re coming out stronger and more united as a family.  But I must admit, we’ve had some tough days.  I’ve had some tough days, both as a woman in general, and as a mother.  But if it weren’t for both my faith, and those little faces that call me, “Mommy”, I don’t know how I’d do it.  THEY are pulling me through, even in the oddest of moments.  Really.

Over Thanksgiving break, the big bad flu bug hit my crew.  It was running rampant through our elementary school.  Whether or not you had received a flu shot, you were bound to get this flu strand. With this many kids in the house, we were targets.   So, (pun intended) off to TARGET, we went to pick up our prescriptions for Tamaflu for the whole fam. ($70 a pop for 7 people! Yikes!!)  And, this, my friends, is how I then was sent to Mary Bird Perkins Center to receive my regular fluids and labs, in quarantine, since I had been exposed.  Lovely.

This was not going to work for us.  We had three separate days of our Thanksgiving family feast marathon to accomplish and I was NOT sporting this mask, no matter how tempting it was to take friends’ advice and draw big smoochy lips on it.  Mama don’t play that.   God heard, He answered… and that expensive Tamaflu stuff was filled with pixie dust or something magical.  I’m convinced that’s why they charge so much for it.  There’s crack in there, I think??  Shhhhh.

Can I tell ya,  I got my nose out of joint in the process?  I was so darn excited about having my kids home for the break during my “good week” and so happy to do all the little things involved in “taking care of them” and “being mommy all by myself” that I normally take for granted.  It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to do that.  I’m very thankful for all of the help, but sometimes, I just want to prove to myself and the kids that I can do it.  That’s why, rain or shine, nauseous or not, I wake up a good hour and a half before everyone in the house to do my routine of: taking all my meds, try and get any nausea/tummy issues out of the way, maybe squeeze some prayer time in to get my “head in the game”, get dressed (even if it’s just yoga pants and a hoodie), put on a little make up (only so they don’t have to see a tired, sickly mommy, but a mommy that’s putting her best foot forward and trying) and fix their cereal and their hair every school morning.  It’s what I do.  That’s my job.  It means everything to me.

Even when they started to get sick over the break, I put on my gloves and my mask, and did all I could to take care of them and organize the doctor visits.  Although, I couldn’t go to them.  That broke my heart.  I’m the one who goes.  I know the doctor.   I knew the log and the play-by-play of what had been happening, when they got their meds, how they like to be held in the office, which meds have worked in the past and which don’t… blah blah blah.  I really, really, REALLY didn’t like being home while my hubbie and my mom took 2 of my kiddos to the doc for me.  You’d think that was a relief, but it bothered me.  I felt like a piece of my “Mommy-hood” was stripped and my hands were tied.  May seem silly, but it was what it was.  And I cried.  I put my bald head right in my hands and I cried.

My mind scampered from one thought, to another, and another, and I felt so very out of control.  I don’t have a total grasp on what’s happening at all the doctor appointments that the kids have been going to with other family members. My sweet Sunshine has been struggling with some friendships and heartache at school that has broken my Mommy heart every night when I talk with her and every morning that I send her off again.  Sidekick wants nothing more than to be my “sidekick”, even if it’s just to help her study, when during this first week of a chemo round I can hardly keep my eyes open at night.  The Dude and Firecracker are balls of energy exploding all over the house, wrestling each other or anyone in their way, like it or not… and I wish I could hang.  And that sweet little Snuggles has just turned one already, and I would give nothing more than to just take a nap with her all day and squish and hug her snuggly little body.  I am overwhelmed by them and yearn for them when they’re gone, all at the same time.  It’s the double-edged sword of motherhood, I guess.

It hit me hard alright. Begrudgingly, I had to go back to my prayer from the beginning of this whole mess.  I had to remember and struggle to say that…they are not entirely mine.  They were God’s first.  All of my concerns for their needs, for Sunshine‘s broken heart, for Sidekick’s desire for more of me, etc….. for “every little thing“…. God has a plan.  He’s already thought of it, and He has it under control.  I must trust that He, too, is looking out for these children of mine.  He gave me the gift of “motherhood” and will give me the grace for what ever “motherhood” looks like for me right now.

Cancer doesn’t get to take that away from me.  It may look different, but I’m still THE MAMA!

When my kids fell to the floor in defeat, when they found out I’d lose my hair, it was because they, at that point, identified me as their long, blonde haired mom.  But now, they see ME. They don’t see a woman with no hair, they see their mama for who she is.  God has graced them with a most precious gift that I’ve prayed we all could receive.  I feel they look at me now with the gift to be able to see with the eyes of God to see not just my appearance, but to see my heart and my soul.  To see a mother that loves this family and is fighting with every breath for them. And they know it.

 When I’m struggling, and having a weak moment, wanting my old long hair back and having a pity party in my mind, God sends one of these 5 kiddos to appear around the corner and say or do just the right thing, at just the right time.  And don’t even get me started on my hubbie, that’s a whole different blog.  He’s been at my side every step of the way, never skipping a beat, never batting an eye at my bald head, cherishing me as if nothing’s every changed. (Sigh) But this blog’s about “Motherhood”… So, here’s my top picks from each of my crew to leave you with:

-1 & 2-

Oldest girls

Sidekick (pictured right):

“I missed you at school today. (BIG HUG) I love you, love you, love you!”

Sunshine (pictured left):

“Mommy, you’re the prettiest mommy ever. Can we snuggle tonight?”

….

-3-

The Dude

Actions speak louder than words.

  He never misses an opportunity to kiss the top of my bald head.

….

-4-

My little Firecracker

All day, at random moments throughout,

she taps my shoulder, grabs my cheeks and says,

“I like your face!” (gets me every time)

….

-5-

And then there’s Miss Snuggles

  

By the very fact that she knows its me, whether I have nothing on my head, or a beanie, or a hat, or a rainbow wig …. or even an afro! She knows who her Mommy is. She doesn’t define me by my hair or what I’m wearing.  She knows me.  She loves me.  She knows she’s loved.  And I love that!

….

  I guess I’m starting to lose track of who’s really teaching who around here, but I know that in all the muck and hard stuff that we have to go through, something good is happening, too. We may have to do things a little different now, and it may look pretty darn different for the time being, but I think in the end it’s gonna be better.  I have great faith and hope in that.

“…it’s gonna be alright.” –Bob Marley

This has become my monthly uniform. If you’re a reader, you’re familiar with it…

“THE CHEMO NINJA: CANCER ASSASSIN”

(Thanks to a friend who so kindly dressed me in the coolest shirt ever, which I sport for every single week 1 of each Chemo Round. Thank you very much, Sara Jambon!

But, one cannot be a Chemo Ninja if she doesn’t first practice the art of the PRAYER WARRIOR

It’s not through fancy moves as one would expect. My experience has involved much more unusual, Mr.Miagi-like lessons.  Which, in my passion for 80’s pop culture, is rather fitting.

I want to jump right in like Ralph Macchio (aka: “Danielson“) and want God (being Mr.Miyagi in this analogy to just go straight to the big moves, teach me the BIG stuff that I want to know.  I’ve got some pretty major things I’m tackling here, Mr.Miyagi , I mean, God. Can’t you just strike a few bolts of lighting, or teach me how to rubs some miraculous clay over my body and poof, I’m healed and …”bada bing bada boom” I’m outta here!  I mean, really, I still gotta be a normal mom and do the basics in al this?  You’re not giving me some kinda ultra wham bam ninja moves right now?  I feel ya, Ralph Macchio. I mean,  what in the world does catching flies with chopsticks, wax on wax off, paint the fence, grumbling prayers through my 3 yr olds dinner table tantrums or losing my business when I wanted to do a family prayer time activity in the evening and everyone was either eating crayons, throwing crayons or jumping off the couch?! In other words, Mama wasn’t the image of peace that she was attempting to share with her kids in her “kid friendly peaceful coloring activity”.  Kumbayah?  Not so much.   Mr.Miyagi would have never taken me as a student.  I’d have been one of the punk “Cobra Kai” on the other team.  At least I look like it sometimes when I randomly lose my business.  80% Marley-girl, 20% Cobra Kai team from Karate Kid.  And it can happen at the drop of a hat. Yuck.  Soooo….  I guess that explains why I’m under construction, much like the naïve, misguided, immature Danielson who had a lot of work to do.  Mr. Myiagi had all the tools and knew just how to teach him.  Just how to show him.  And in just the right timing.  God’s been throwing every tool in the book at me these days to get me through this whole chemo thing.  I wanted to share a few with you all, since so many of you have shared quite a few of these tools with me.

………………………………….

-1-

Prayer: My Focus and Balance… Important to any Martial Art

The Invaluable resource of prayer.  This is like the “go to”, centering source of power for any “Chemo Ninja” or “Prayer Warrior”.  I must pray every morning, noon, and night, and any moment in between.  It’s much like learning to balance for “Danieleson”.

Whenever I’m feeling “off”, as though I’ve lost my focus as to what I’m fighting for or even  living for, then I know I’m not balanced.  I’m not praying.  I mean really, really praying.  When I have those moments of “losing my business” at family prayer time or any time, really.  I have to ask mysel , “Why am I really doing this?  Is this for me,  for the kids, or is it for God?”  It should be for all of the above.  But ultimately to serve God above all.  And right now, it looks like its a flop.  So, like in this picture above, in my mind, I can figuratively climb up on that log and refocus like Macchio, close my eyes for a sec and pray, giving it to God, saying,

“I’m messing this one up… again, God. I give you this moment. I need ya, Lord. Help”

It’s amazing, how, even if you have to do that, through gritted teeth during a heated moment, as I often do, swallowing pride, that God sends grace.  Pronto!!

Prayer can happen in quiet moments, for me when I’m journaling (or even blogging) or just before the rest of the house wakes up.  We can pray all throughout the day, any time, any place.  Pray unceasingly!  Whether its conversational prayer to God, or reciting prayers learned.  We can so easily get distracted and say,  “I don’t have time to pray”.  Much like exercise,   There’s always time.  If it means praying while changing a diaper, doing the dishes, or riding in the car on your way to work, we can fit it in somehow.

The trick for me is that I’m totally ADD in prayer.  I’m all over the map.  I find it crazy hard to “quiet my mind”.  I DO NOT have the mind of a ninja.  Or the house of one.  HA!  My life is chaotic and so is my brain.  So what to do about that?  This is my personal technique:

1) I breathe in the Holy Spirit, exhale all my distractions and thoughts that aren’t of God, and recite “Jesus” over and over …and over… (sometimes ’til I fall asleep!… not a good one if you’re in public)

or

2) I Sing a Praise song… in my head if in public. If in my car… I’m belting it at the top of my lungs, y’all!!!  Here’s links to two more goodies that I hadn’t shared before:

David Crowder Band: Oh Praise Him

Jesus Culture: Let it Rain

Singing works best for me, but it’s not for everyone.  Running is another real brain clearer for me.  Just me and the pavement….and God.  What’s yours? Find it.  Mr.Miyagi had his bonsai trees.  What’s your bonsai?

When we can focus and give ourselves over to Him for even just a moment, He sends us the graces (FREE SHIPPING!) we need for whatever challenge, or blessings that has come our way, right away. Whether we feel it or not.

………………………………….

-2-

Sacraments: Nutrition for this Warrior

As I’d mentioned before, I am indeed Catholic.  So for me,  Sacraments are my food, my water, my oxygen.  Danielson’s New York mama didn’t let him run out to the beach or to school without throwing an apple or Pop Tart or something at him for breakfast when he ran out the door covering that black eye, right?  (What, too many Karate Kid references??)

1) Mass

We strongly believe in having our kids come with us to church.  How else will they learn?  Besides, they motivate me to go. We go as a family for sure, every Sunday, and as much as possible any other day that we can. It’s an opportunity that we are blessed to have in our country to practice our faith so freely and go to church any and every day.  I forget that.  I need to go more.  I want to try more.  We are blessed.

When I’ve been too sick during this whole chemo thing, our pastor has been such a rock for us, that he got permission from the Archbishop to hold a private mass any Sunday that we’d need it for our family in our home.  Our children assist in reading mass parts.  It’s beautiful. Again, another blessing and gift.  So much to be thankful for!

2) Confession

We go monthly as a fam and, in our cheesy little ways, call it “Pizza and Penance” (Wish we could claim it, but got it from a friend).  We bring all the kids.  Those that are old enough to go, do, those who can’t, just say some prayers in the pews while we go.  After we celebrate with going out for pizza! It takes the gloom and doom or pressure out of it, and puts the celebration of forgiveness and God’s amazing love and mercy into it!  Always feels good to take a load off of your chest, pray as a family and, “Hey!”, have an excuse to eat some pizza!  Food for the belly, food for the soul.  Key for the Ninja/Warrior work out. (Ok, maybe not the pizza?!)

3) Eucharistic Adoration

Aka: “Son-Bathing “in the adoration chapel , is another major fave for our fam, young and old. We are able to kneel, sit, stand, and just hang out before Jesus there in the Eucharist, held in the host, contained in the monstrance.  Amazazazing, if you ask me. And so beautiful to watch my kids, look up in awe, saying their prayers.  We plan to go for just 5 minutes, giving Jesus a “Holy High 5”, and say a prayer.  If you’re too little, draw a picture for Jesus.  If you’re older, write a prayer intention.  As we leave, we stick them all (often way to many papers have been used) into the intention urn and carry on with our day.  Sometimes we make it past our 5 minutes to a whopping 30…sometimes we’re barely their for 4.  Either way, we’ve brought our family to feel the rays of Jesus’s supernatural graces, soaking them up so that we can do what we need to do from here on out.  We could all use a little.  Maybe some a little more than others.  No names will be mentioned.  😉 Depends on the day. Oy vey.

………………………………….

-3-

My “Sacramentals” on Loan: My Ninja Weapon Arsenal

I will consider these my throwing stars, nunchucks, swords, and whatever other crazy ninja weapons one stealth master might have up his/her sleeve.  I’ve been handed some of the most amazing sacramental over the past few months. Some for brief periods, some to stay with us throughout my cancer journey.  We pray with them nightly and take precious care of them.

*I feel I must clarify for non-catholics reading.  These sacramentals, much like statues of Mary, and the saints, are not idols of worship.  Rather,  these are sacramentals , holy symbolic icons serving as reminders of who have gone before us, what God has asked of us, and what we are called to do.  They help us to focus our prayers, our prayers that ultimately lead to God, worshipping HIM and HIM alone.*

So here they are…..drumroll………..

………………………………….

-4-

Gifts for the Ninja in Training

We’ve been blessed with many care packages, some with cards and some anonymous that just show up on our porch. Thank you. Here’s a tribute to a few that we’ve put into our daily family routines.

1) My Armor: My Prayer Shawl

I’m not trying to brag here, but we have been so blessed by having handmade prayer shawls stitched and or knit by praying hands (as each stitch is made, a prayer is said for the receiver) for our family.  We have enough now that each family member wraps themselves in a shawl as we do our family prayer time each night, including “Grammmie” (my mom) who is often here for nightly prayers. How cool is that?

Special Thanks to:  Mimi Machado Paulus;  Betty Visconi and her prayer Group; Laura Roycroft;  Deacon Eddie Beckendorf;  Pat Enk and The Carmelite Nuns;  Mary Engelhardt and Mary Queen of Peace Parish;  The Blitz Family

2) For a Sharp and Peaceful Mind of a Ninja: My Wall of Love & Encouragement!

A ninja’s mind is his/her sharpest skill.  It is important that I be both peaceful and positive, prepared when going into any attack.  Thus,  I keep EVERY card and note that is sent our way in a central, key spot in our living room to flip through form time to time.  Again, food for the mind, food for the soul.

 3) Box of Wonder…

A Ninja/Warrior should be kept on her toes, ready for anything that may lurk around the next corner!

We call them “Saint-spirations”. An Anonymous, generous, lovely, crafty person, gave us this box of colored strips of paper, each with a different quote from a saint upon it.  Brilliant!  At night, the kids love the excitement of pulling a strip from the box, reading them aloud and we all reflect on what it means to us.  It’s like “Saint-roulette”!  There’s a risk factor of getting one you didn’t want God to be telling you that day, but you KNEW you needed to hear (God’s funny like that and I’m stubborn like that. That’s our finicky little relationship, like an old married couple, I guess.) or the excitement of hearing something really awesome!  I’m all about taking risks. So this is right up my alley!

4) Box of Offerings…

It is important that any warrior travels lightly. In particular, the ninja, correct?  Also, the prayer warrior must unload their heavy burdens be it thier own, or the burdens or concerns of others.   (See how I’m makin’ this whole analogy work for me? )  Writing our petitions, offerings, or even our troubles and worries down onto paper and “casting them to the Lord” (Philippians 4:6-7), as we toss them into this box to later bring to one of our “Holy High 5s” at the chapel, has become another alternate during our family prayer time.  Additionally, when YOU send me your petitions, I jot them down and toss them into this box (along with prayin over them daily, of course. Y’all keep me focused, man!)  But knowing that we can cast them to the Lord (because He wants them) and start over (because we always can), feels so good!

………………………………….

5) Remember these Mantras of this Chemo Ninja/Cancer Assassin/ Prayer Warrior:

*Don’t Look forward. Don’t Look back. Stay Right Here….. We live in the present.

*God didn’t give us what we’re not ready for yet.

*Baby Steps.

*If you can’t laugh at yourself or find something worth laughin about, then go back to bed and start over!

And of course…

*”DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING, CUZ EVERY LITTLE THING….IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!”-(Bob Marley)

and one last funny