Life… it is indeed a rollercoaster.  And oh, the yin-and yang of the ride.  You love them, you desperately can’t wait to get on them, and then the butterflies in your stomach and second guesses that creep in as you scoot closer and closer to the front of the ride, compounded by the later blood curdling screams as you fling side to side, upside down and all around!  Don’t forget about the faces.  You know, the “gorgeous” ones the ride’s cameras seem to catch just perfectly for all other riders to slowly pass and ponder over after the ride… forever etched in their brains. Caught on film to be put into someone’s scrapbook to take out and laugh about for years to come….or, better yet, thrown onto YouTube for all to see… for ETERNITY!!! Oh joy!

I do love rollercoasters.  Yet, this rollercoaster I’m on, I’m not always so sure about.  I can’t explain my emotions, I’m up when you’d think I’d be down or vice versa, or even sideways… or really anyway in between than what one might think.  I’m all over the map.

I hate to say that “ya kinda have to go through it to get it“, because I don’t always believe that’s fair.  Yet, sometimes I find it to be true in some situations only to more closely relate to the particular subject at hand. Otherwise, I feel we ALL have common threads to whatever is on our plates in all stories.  THAT’S WHY I BLOG.  There’s no need to compare or undermine our circumstances; rather, I believe we have what we have  on our shoulders for a reason and can share and grow with and from one another positively vs. alone.  Don’t ya think?

(side tracking….. Back to my rollercoaster….)

I gotta say I don’t always know quite how I feel about this roller coaster.  The ride is bumpy, and even when we feel the high and the joy of fabulous news, it’s hard for our family to fully embrace it, because we know we’re still on the ride.

What do I mean by that?

We found out that we were “Cancer FREE” last week and celebrated with a dance party , ice cream sundaes and invited cousins over for more fun with king cake and cheers.  However, just before family came over, many of us caught ourselves clamming up and closing off.  My eldest daughter (Sidekick) mentioned not wanting to have any cake, just having a “normal playdate”. I didn’t want any wine (And I looove my vino! I mean, really. Call a doctor when mama doesn’t have her glass of the good grape in her hand!  But I just wanted to hang out and not many any toasts or cheers. “Let’s just call this a get together“, I said as my sis-in-law was texting my brother, “not a ‘celebration’, just a “get together”.  Why?

I knew exactly why. Ya see, there’s this fear that many other survivors have mentioned to me that they’ve experienced, and I’m feeling already as well.  A fear that when I tell people that I’m “cancer free” that they’ll simply high-five me, move on, and forget about me  while I still have 2/3rds of a marathon left to run.

As far as our Angelette clan can see, their mom/wife is bald, recovering from one major 10 hour surgery with 4 “train tracks” of stitches and bruises, while preparing for radiation, with more surgeries and chemo ahead.   Bare with me a sec, I sound like a whiner.  I swear I’m not! In fact, I just am in the middle of doing heaps of laundry and anything else I can try to “do” because I don’t like people to give me sympathy and “do it ALL for me”… I’m just stating facts for a moment.  It’s only a moment…. But, I have a family of 5 little kiddos that look at me and don’t “see” cancer-free.  My kids want to “see” my long blonde hair again (not a wig either).  When we say “Mommy is all better, no more cancer!” Then, they don’t want me to have any more treatments, and want to see my hair on my head, where they can brush it!  So, please forgive them if they don’t get too excited when you hug them about our great “news”.  They truly are very happy about it. And we are beyond grateful for that news.  We’ve been cuttin’ a rug at home with one another!  Seriously.  (We can really bring some “game” when it comes to Wii Dance Party if anyone’s up for the challenge?? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller??)  But, we ain’t done, and they know it.  They fear your hug means… you think we’re “done”.  The fear is that you’ll leave now.

That fear is real to many, many patients over there at the Mary Bird Perkins Cancer Center, and I’m sure, to many of you who’ve struggled with any major health issue, burden, or loss.  The second half of the journey is often, even more emotionally, the hardest.  You fear your supporters will wear out.  And without you, and your prayers and love, where would we be?

And then it hit me… in more ways than one…

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A FELLOW CANCER FIGHTER… GETS HIS WINGS

A fellow graduate from Franciscan University of Steubenville, Paul Coakley, had been fighting to live for his wife and his family of 3 young children (with another due in April), with everything he had. As Doctors said, “he’s been living on sheer will power”.  On Tuesday, January 20th, 2015, his soul passed. Or better yet, he left this earth to go be a daddy to his 4 other little angels in Heaven while his wife, Ann, stayed back with their angels that are here on Earth.  Heart breaking.  But the honor and beauty of their faith and the strength of this fighter was above and beyond saintly.

After simply “not feeling very well” this fall, this guy was diagnosed just a few short months ago with one form of cancer, which quickly spread throughout his body to other forms of cancer and threw their family on the fast track to facing life decisions and threw so many families and communities all around the world, like YOU have, onto their knees like unbelievable PRAYER WARRIORS. THAT was the miracle. The power of so many people uniting in prayer, talking to God.

I know both you would be blessed to read their story, and they would be blessed by your prayers at this time, as they’ve made their TEAM PAUL and ANN COAKLEY page public for just that, PRAYER.  PLEASE JOIN US:

FACEBOOK: TEAM PAUL AND ANN COAKLEY

How can you help? Click link below to:

YOU CARING DONATION SITE: COAKLEY FAMILY

Dear Paul, you were one adventurous guy at Steubie U (known for leading groups to jump bridges into the Ohio River! among many other stories told). You’ve inspired us all by your sheer will power to fight and live for your family and your demonstration of what marriage and family really is.  Ann, we won’t stop praying for and lifting you and your family up. We know it’s not over for you. God’s peace and courage be with you now, and with your children.

#prayforpaul

#prayforannandthecoakleykids

**going link crazy here, but yet another link to blog post about the adventurous “legend” that he was:

PAUL COAKLEY TRIBUTE

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PERSPECTIVE

Our whole family had been on our knees, every child in our family had teamed up to match a family member in theirs.  We prayed with all our heart with so many other families all over the world, literally.  To hear this news… was a punch in the gut on so many levels.  I cried, and cried, and cried some more.  I know that at I hadn’t known Paul well.  I know that so many were so very close to this man and are experiencing such great loss on such a deeper level.  I merely knew him as an acquaintance from school, as he was a  few years behind me, I believe? But, his diagnosis and his struggle made everything that we’d been faced with so real.  It slapped our whole family in the face and rocked our world.  We wanted him to win so badly.  I hated that cancer so much.  I do.  I hate that ugly, rotten, cancer.  

My kids looked at me with giant puppy eyes, “Did he make it? Is Mr.Paul still here? Was there a miracle?”  They knew I had something to tell them last night at our night prayers when they looked up at our “#PRAYFORPAUL” sign on our prayer shelf in our living room.  “Well, Guys, Mr.Paul is still a daddy with his babies, but with his 4 babies in Heaven, just like our 3 little babies in Heaven.  He fought with all of his might for his family, and He told Jesus ‘your will be done’ pretty much.  He’s a real warrior.  He fought harder than anything, but God knew it was best for him to come ‘home’ now so his body would feel no more pain.  He loved his family and his faith more than anything.  He’d be proud of the miracle that did happen.  The miracle in the ‘gazillion’ people that got on their knees to pray.  I bet he’s pretty darn proud of that! Now let’s keep praying for him and for his family and asking for Mr.Paul and his angel babies to pray for us, too.”  And we did.  We all prayed, teary eyed.  It hit home pretty hard. But we prayed. And we won’t stop.

That could have been us.  Dear, God, that could have been us. Thank you, Sweet Lord.  This roller coaster of life is just that, a crazy, up, down, and all around ride.  But, as the previous meme depicted, It’s a ride. I bought a ticket, and I’m hanging on until they kick me off.  I am sooooo ridiculously thankful that for whatever reason, God sees my time’s not up yet.  I agree, dang it! I’m not gonna take that for granted.  I celebrate my “cancer free” announcement. I now move on and will “keep my head in the game”, but seize the days of life in general.   Yes, I’m recovering from surgery, and “yes” I have a road ahead…. but that doesn’t mean I can’t live and do whatever I feel I can when I can, because God gave me a gift to stay here with my children that I should be so grateful for. “Cancer-free” means that I can move through the treatments ahead without a looming question over my head of, “Is this working?” Praise God!!!

I’m so humbled to be given this opportunity and, mark my words, I will pay it forward and give back.  Somehow, some way. I have to.

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MUSIC GETS ME THROUGH IT…

The best way I can sum all the crazy roller coaster of emotions is a bit like this (and this is only a drop in the bucket of my “never-ending play list” of tunes running through my head, “keeping my head in the game” these days):

*Other than, of course my usual “3 Little Birds” & “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough“, … here’s a few more

(feel free to click each link below to jam along, most with video included)

RAY CHARLES:HIT THE ROAD JACK  (bye bye, cancer!)

CHUMBAWUMBA: I GET KNOCKED DOWN

GLORIA GAYNOR: I WILL SURVIVE

ELTON JOHN: I’M STILL STANDING (hilarious video!!)

BEYONCE: I’M A SURVIVOR

DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME – “BREAKFAST CLUB” VIDEO

U2: BEAUTIFUL DAY (perfect windows-down-driving song!)

DAVID CROWDER: OH PRAISE HIM (Amazing video…good stuff!)

Enjoy.

Thank you for not giving up on us, or for the repose of my previously mentioned fellow college grad, Paul’s, soul and his wife, Ann, and their family.

Thank you for always sending me your prayer requests. There are so many of you whom I know are struggling just like me, and I haven’t forgotten, nor will I give up on you. It’s a roller coaster.  I bought a ticket and I’m not letting go.  You’re prayers are keeping my grip strong and my worries light.  I hope you feel it reciprocated. Thank you.

“…It’s gonna be alright.” –Bob Marley

 

(CLICK HERE FOR DRUMROLL PLEASE)

As most of you know, I had my first major surgery on January 6th.  A double mastectomy with reconstruction.

In July of 2014, I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma/ Stage 3 Breast Cancer of the Right Breast and Lymph Nodes (Her2+, Er+,Pr+).  My Lump was about the size of the palm of my hand. 

We chose to aggressively attack it with 6 rounds of chemotherapy (TCHP; Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, Perjeta).  We knew from various tests along the way that the lump was shrinking, but wouldn’t know how effective the chemo really was until pathology results after surgery.

Then the day came.  January 6th, my surgery date.  The surgery day arrived: a double mastectomy with “Hip Flap” reconstruction procedure (My personal decision to use my own tissue for reconstruction vs. implants.  Seemed safest to me, personally, to avoid anything foreign in me considering my diagnosis, and remain as all natural as possible. Feel free to research it.  It uses amazing advanced technology!).  It was a successful 10 hour surgery.  They removed all that they could and sent labs off to pathology and told us to pray for good results.  They felt “very hopeful”.

We prayed. We hoped.

You hoped and you prayed.

After one week, the lab results are in and the pathology reports have been reviewed.

As of January 6th, 2014, …..I, Elise Angelette (Aka: “Buna”) am, at this point…

Wahooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

I met with our surgeons in our post-op appointments on Monday and knew it was good, but still needed a translation of what was said.  So I called my good “pirate docta” yesterday to “break it down into kindergarten language” for me.  In layman’s terms he said:

“Your chemo was 95% effective.  The lump that was left was only 5mm after once being the size of your hand.  Their was only a .05mm lump near the lymph nodes but that was removed with the other lump.  So,  it’s ALL OUT.  So, my dear, you are CANCER-FREE.  Not “cured”, that comes later, but for now…. CANCER-FREE.”

ME: “I’ll take it!  Wooooo hooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

PIRATE DOCTA: “Woooo hoooo  is right, Girlie!!! Now go celebrate!!”

And, that I did.  Not with margaritas or long islands just yet.  Just finished with a round of Herceptin (my targeted chemo on Tuesday, so still feelin a little squeamish).  But, was good to go for a round of ice cream sundaes with extra sprinkles with the kiddos.  The relief on their faces and the private dance party that The Dude left the table to go close himself in the office, scream and yell with excitement, and make “snow angels” on the floor … was way more rewarding anyway!  Seriously.  Too stinkin’ cute!  Partying with these guys, the family who I’m fighting for, is exactly where I want to be.

Can I get an Amen?

………………………………..

What does “Cancer Free Really Mean?”…. Am I Done?

-1-

Not quite.  Like the good doctor said,  I’m “cancer free … at this point”.  He made that clear.  He also made sure to say that I’m “not cured”.  I will not be considered “cured” until I have been “cancer free for 5 years”.  I can describe it in this very gross, kindergarten-like analogy (once a kindergarten teacher, always a kindergarten teacher).  Imagine my diagnosis as my “cold”.  I have taken the first few days of my antibiotics (my 6 rounds of chemo) and have had a good nose blow in a Kleenex (my Mastectomy) to remove my “snot” (any cancerous tissue my body had in it thus far).  Now, I have to finish the rest of my prescribed antibiotics so that my body doesn’t go back to producing “snot” and having a cold (making more cancer cells and getting another diagnosis in another area of my body).  

Ew!  I know.  Gross analogy.  It’s the best my pain-killer-fed-brain can do right now.  So, my body is free of cancerous tissue at this moment.  That is absolutely cause to rejoice!  WOOOO HOOOO!!!!! THANK YOU, GOD!!!!!!  Now we press on to make sure we “mop up” behind us to make sure there are no cells prone to continuing to do what they were doing and making cancerous cells as they were.  I consider it this way, we have saved my life thus far to keep me here now.  Now, we move on to the next half of my journey to work on keeping me here for the long run.

-2-

I’m still recovering from this surgery.  So, celebration is in the works with ice cream, indeed.  But, keep in mind, this surgery was no small feat.  Sure,  when I feel good… I can’t help but boogie as best as my body lets me while I do my P.T. exercises (aka: choreographing P.T. diagnosed exercises to Bob Marley while making shakes in the kitchen!).  Now I know that one day, this reconstruction thing will be a beautiful thing.  But, when I woke up with all of the “too many to count stitches”, “I just got in a gang fight” bruises, and 4 long hose like drains (2 in the breasts, 2 in the hips), which I know are only temporary,  I gasped.  “I look like Doc Oc”, I told my Hubbie.  “This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.”  (My constant mantra)

-3-

Gotta “keep my head in the game”.  Just like any NFL team, if I want to make it to the Superbowl, I can celebrate my wins, but can’t let it get me off track and lose focus of the big picture.  There’s still more games left to be played if I want to make it for the whole season.  I’m in it to win it.  I don’t just want to be here NOW.  I want to be here for the long haul, Baby.  So what do I have left?

• 6weeks of recovery from this surgery (Mastectomy & Phase 1 Reconstruction)
• Continue Herceptin (targeted chemotherapy) every 21 days until the end of the summer
• Radiation (6 weeks/5 days per week)
• Phase 2 Reconstruction Surgery (Attends to Scarring/Possible Radiation damage)
• TBA:  Anything the team deems necessary to keep me here for the long haul!  In other words,  I continue my Belushi from Animal House motto: “Thank you, Sir. May I have another!”

…………………………………………………….

Yup, it’s a lot of info.  It’s a whole lot of good news!  That’s for sure.  And of course, it’s a whole lot left to be done.  However, I’ve always seen this as a marathon.  And I’ve always wanted to run one.  In fact,  I met my husband while training for one, although having no idea he would one day be my husband, the man I’d be now married to for over 12 years, with 5 kids, taking care of me day in day out while I battled for my life.  I thought he was just some really cute guy that I should really set my friend up with! (Who knew!)

Anywho…  I trained and trained for that marathon, yet at the very last moment, for health reasons, docs working with me refused care if I were to run it.  So I didn’t.  My hubbie loves to tell people how he ran the marathon that I trained for just to tease me!  Well, guess what.  I’m running the biggest marathon ever now!  And I’m gonna finish with flying colors!

Until then… it’s ice cream Sundaes, dance parties with my kiddos, and all the other fun I can have to seize every moment I can when I’m feeling good, and celebrate every victory along the way!  And today,  we have a real victory to be thankful for!

Thank you, Team Buna.  That’s YOU.

Thank you, God.

This will be my fam tonight… (click on the video below)… it’s sooo me and my kiddos!

“STEP MOM”: AIN’T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH SCENE