“BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!” – The Doors

In the wilds of my crazy dreams (and pain killers, which I might add, I do keep at bay, from anyone with concern.  No need to offer “oils”. I got ’em already and use them like they’re goin’ out of style!  It’s all good, my friends) As I was saying…

In the wilds of my crazy dreams…  from, yes, a very intense (and more complex than ever before on my tired body) surgery, I’ve been playin’ this song over and over in my head.  Why?  Because although I’m bound from my shoulders to my hips with bandages, drains, and stitches,… I also came out of this surgery ON THE OTHER SIDE feeling no longer like a CANCER PATIENT!  (Yet, to all my fell cancer patients and friends still deep in the fight… My heart, soul, and prayers are forever at your side… No man left behind!!!  God’s got you, & Buna’s got yo’ back! ).  But why  do I feel different today?  I feel like I’m “on the other side” just by the very simplest portion of the ordeal of removing “Mrs.Peabody- the port”!  That’s right, folks, no more infusions, no need for a port anymore, so we gave the ol’ port the boot!

(And the crowd goes wild!  Yeah!!!!!!) 

Feelin’ pretty darn good about that one, I must say.

THAT FEELING… is keeping me going.  ‘Cuz I can’t lose my focus in this last little stretch.  I really need a lil’ overdose of everyone’s Holy Spirit super powers in prayer to get me through this last hump.  Keeping my head in the game, ya know?

From the beginning of this race, right down the last mark of this marathon, it’s taking every last push… every last breath… every last “get up and go”/ “mind over matter”/ “wing and a prayer” that I’ve got.

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Update:

Friday’s surgery went very well.  6 1/2 hours.  They were able to clean out a lot of issues I was having from fluid back up from lymphedema and radiation scar tissue issues (Woke up feeling the difference in my arm and hand already! Relief! Woo hoo!).   Doc was also able to fix some other abdominal muscular and hernia issues, while starting over on both Phase 1 and moving on to Phase 2 of my reconstruction after the set back from the previously mentioned issues.   Basically, that means the majority of my core/torso (front and back) is under construction. Why this route?  My plan has been to remain “all natural” and avoid implants or anything foreign in my body.  (Please understand, I place absolutely NO JUDGEMENT on anyone else’s decision if different.  It was my personal feeling for my body and what that would mean for my life and upkeep of medical procedures, etc. down the road.) This is A LOT now, but it also means it ENDS now.  For my family, for me.  This is what we wanted.  This needed to be the end of the road for us.  I’ve kinda been the type this whole year to do things as tough as they needed me to do as long as it meant we’d be “gettin’ ‘er done”.  Ya know, like I’ve also mentioned here and there through chemo and radiation, Belushi-style…

“THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER”- Animal House

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So where does that leave me NOW, post-op,

THIS GO ‘ROUND? 

Basically, I’m waking up feeling like …

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LIKE AN OCTOPUS…

… with my 4 drains as my “tentacles”… although I can’t get them to cooperate to feel as cool and functional for parties as this table pictured above is.  Instead,  I get to wear a hospital’s version of an 80’s fanny pack to carry them in like a kangaroo under my shirt, only to appear that I’ve actually added a sagging belly during my surgery… just for kicks.  Why not?

#WhoOrderedTheHumblePie

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GOOFY, YET ENTERTAIN-ED/-ING ON PAIN MEDS…

… Yup.  Mesmerized by my “E.T.” finger that I insisted on showing all the nurses in the recovery area (which apparently baffled me that last time I was there, too!), I took the liberty of snapping a few shots in the middle of the night to text to my dear friend Mary.  Along with many more pics of how cool I felt my hand looked now that it was wrapped up all night for lymphedema prevention, making my hand look “Just like Jimmy Fallon’s hand now, riiiight?!?!”  Thankfully, she was awake already.  Pretty sure we’re still friends.  😉

#BestFriendsInFallon

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IN LOVE WITH MY FAMILY…

… My family always has been, and remains my motivation, my heart, and my greatest support.  (You may see all of my kids, my hubbie, mom, and bro… but clearly, you’re still not gettin’ the big picture of ALL the fam that I’m talking about!)  Yet again, being in the hospital lent another opportunity for us to step away from the chaos of the daily routines and chores and spend time together.  As you can see above, we goofed off for pictures, I was showered with “very original” cards from the kids,  we played games, read stories and watched a few shows together.  I had one-on-one time with my husband and my dad for meals that we don’t normally get to do.  I’ll cherish those times in my memory forever!

There was even a point when my health took a little downward turn and my blood count dropped from what normally should be 14 and 36 and was 7 and 21.  Not so good!  I needed a second blood transfusion (after having one just after surgery as well) and needed to stay an additional day (now 2 days longer than what my family was originally thinking).  So what did we do about it?  We partied!  We took the kids straight over from school to the hospital for PIZZA PARTY in my room!  We made it fun with another round of charades and topped it off with making our very own MUSIC VIDEO for Dr. Sullivan at the end.  You heard me.  Our personal “How to Whip and Nae Nae” video just for him (involving kids jumping out of closets, a toddler dancing down to the ground, and even Mommy finding some kind of freak adrenaline rush just 30 minutes  after my transfusion ended and holding on to kids and chairs to get in on the action! What? If ya can’t beat ’em … join ’em!… Yes.  I am “that patient” that makes my nurses nervous.  But I also must say, I’m also “that patient” that doesn’t let the hospital bed mold around me and gets off my tooshy so I can get better.  I promise, though, I won’t make music videos a regular thing.

#EvenPostOpMamaStillHadGame

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FEELING PROUD AND EAGER FOR WHAT’S AHEAD

This is, as I mentioned, a major FINISH LINE, so to speak for me.  I’m paying no heed to the 5 years to the cure. I mean, naturally, I will take care of myself, continue with all of my check ups, etc., but it is my time (after I recover from this surgery-delio) to live my life as a SURVIVOR,  MOVE ON… and give back!  Dang it.. that’s exactly what I plan to do.  So, stay with me, and we’ll move mountains!

Because, as promised in my trust, hope, and faith that I felt in those little prayers and songs that God’s been singin to me since the beginning of all of this…

EVERY LIL’ THING … IS HAS BEEN and IS GONNA CONTINUE TO BE ALRIGHT!!!

………

Again, I thank all of you for all of your prayers.  I thank everyone who have been so gracious to send meals and cards.  I’m thankful to my absolutely amazing doctors/surgeons and nurses and staff at the St.Charles Surgical Center for taking the best care of me AND SO MANY WOMEN THAT COME THROUGH THOSE DOORS.  I know I can say that you made me feel so at home while I was there.  I loved every conversation that I had with each and every one of you in the middle of the night and all throughout the day.  When we left, we felt like we were saying goodbye to family.   I couldn’t possibly say enough about you all.

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers this year so perfectly:

“OPEN THE DOORS YOU WANT OPEN

AND CLOSE THE DOORS YOU WANT CLOSED”

We haven’t walked through a doorway yet that didn’t feel perfectly anointed.

#SomeonesWatchingOverUs

 

I’m a gal of many, many,… many phases… and yes  Yo! MTV Raps shaped a portion of my life and holds a special place in my heart. (Sigh)

On that note (or that kickin’ base drop), I can’t help but thank of Tone Loc’s grovelly voice in my head all week as I prepare for my (“Lord willing”, as The Hubbie always insists) final surgery tomorrow (Friday, August 14th)…

“LET’S DO IT!”

Yup.  That’s my approach right now.  From Marley to Tone Loc,  I’m feelin’ the groove.  In my dancer brain,  I wanna say I’m “grounded and sittin’ in the pocket, riding the rhythm.”  In other words…

I’m not afraid. No worries.

Why?

There are so many reasons why I feel so confident about this surgery, as major as it is.  I mean, seriously, this is a doozy!  We’ll be clearing out some scar tissue and back tracking a bit in my recovery in order to deal with a few other issues that I was having from both radiation and lymphedema side effects. I won’t go into too many personal details of my surgery, but the gist of the matter is that, I’ve been thinking (especially since my last post about my “cray cray self“) that I would be anxious this go ’round.  Ignorance can be bliss, right?   Yet this time, returning to the Breast Center, I know the details of what lies ahead.  I know that I’m not just moving on to “Phase 2” of the reconstruction, but returning to all 4 drains of Phase 1 …again.  I’ll be back to not being able to lift my kids and will have to rely on a lot of help …again. I’ll  have to surrender a part of my “Mommy-hood”(my toughest part of my course of “treatment” this year, for sure).  I know where I’m heading, but I also feel like I’ve “read the end of the book and know how it turns out“.  And its sooo good.

So here’s to the many great things that are giving me the confidence to follow “Mr.Funky Cold Medina’s”  advice. (aka: Tone Loc for you non-Yo! MTV Raps and Spice! Magazine Subscribers out there.  Yes, I did say Spice! magazine.  I received them by mail regularly and made a very sad attempt at sporting my own Flava- Flav clock.  No comment)

………..

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THIS IS MY BIG FINISH!

After all the many bell ringing ceremonies, treatment finishing milestones, etc., this year,  I could never fully feel that sense of relief.  My kids, my family, many of us couldn’t either.  We needed to cross this finish line.  Although they always say “5 years until the cure”,  taking my port out while I’m under during this surgery will allow me to wake up… no matter how many bandages and stitches there are… feeling like I’m no longer a cancer patient.  Feeling that empty space where the port USED to be but no longer NEEDS to be… will allow me to finally feel like a true SURVIVOR.  And my family deserves that same title!

………….

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I’VE BEEN WELCOMED BACK WITH OPEN ARMS!!

I posted this pic on my TeamBuna Facebook page yesterday while going through all my preop stuff at the Breast Center, while entertaining myself in the dressing room.  I kinda can’t help it.  (To the left: Me in January 2014. To the Right: Me now, August 2015) Ya see, they even saved my favorite scrubs. How do they fit? “Like a glove!”-Ace Ventura

But seriously,  I’m in the BEST OF HANDS!  They are so personable there.  It’s like coming back to a little family reunion.  They all remembered us, greeted us with hugs and smiles and made us feel right at home already.  As per usual throughout this entire past year… I couldn’t possibly have a better doctor.  I don’t even know how to express how fondly my family feels about Dr.Sullivan.  He’s kind, he’s a genius and pioneer in the medical field, an amazing surgeon,  he loves what he does, and he’s an artist!  I trust him with everything I’ve got.  I know that once they put me under,  everything happening in that O.R. is totally under control.  God continues to hook me up with the best.  No doubt about it.  Sorry to be cliché, but I gotta do the most appropriate hashtag here:  #blessed

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We got to celebrate our 13th  anniversary before this whole surgery shindig

  I’ve put this guy to the test this year.  I can’t express how I feel any better than how I said in a very PDA (haha!)Facebook post:

“13 years ago, I married a guy who was man enough to take on the challenge of…. Me! For better or worse, …rich or poor, …in sickness and in health, …on the dance floor or off of it,… Wether or not you think you won our wedding cake food fight (I sooo ruled that won) …
I’d say we’ve jam packed these 13 years with a bunch of “roller coaster rides”, and you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’ve always preferred the roller coasters to the ferris wheels😉. Here’s to a lifetime more of growing old with you. Happy Anniversary!”

And I meant every word.

(A few pics below from memory lane… aaaand my elementary effort to join the Cirque de Soleil performance from our Anniversary date night!)

(I know what you’re thinking… He really got a winner when he got me, right? Too late now, Man.  You got me for good.)

………….

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I got to help the kids get started with the new school routine…

…So we’re still a work in progress there, but at least I got to do my “Mommy” role of organizing uniforms in the closets, getting our book-bags/lunch boxes/supplies all set up in our super cool cubby-system in my office (see pic below).  We slapped our morning and evening “get ready charts” on the fridge to help the kids be a little more independent and not make me feel like I’m leaving Daddy and anyone else who helps out, high and dry while I’m laid up.  They know what they gotta do and how to help  each other out.  We’ve learned to be a team this year and it’s continued all summer.  It works.  It’s not a “well oiled machine”, I mean, we squeak a little and break down from time to time.  But we are basically organized and know what to do and where to go when things are on the fritz.  I like to know that I played a part in helping them make the transition to the changes ahead. We even scheduled the surgery just in the right timing to make sure I could go to all the first orientations, packet day, and any other important “firsts” of the school year so that I could feel in the loop and the kids would know that they were my priority.  I followed that train right down to sticking a pitcher of sunflowers (one for each kiddo on the mantle before I go tomorrow. ‘Cuz the patient gets flowers a lot, but not necessarily the family.  They know Mama’s got ’em covered.)  It does my Mommy-heart good.

 

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I had time to PLAY with my kids before the big day!

We came back from our beach trip, found out about my PET scan, and my kids saw a Mommy that felt so happy and free again that she could fly!  We celebrated again, and again, and AGAIN!  I asked them what they wanted to do and we went down the list:

*Snoballs and Ice cream (Delish!)

*Muliple dance parties (Including crash course on how to “Whip and Nae Nae”  (click link and join in on the action with your fam. If you haven’t yet, you’re missing out)

*Trip to the Library (Love that they all just HAD to go here!)

*Dinner at TREY YUEN (Very cool Chinese restaurant with fish, fish, and more fish to watch, a waterfall that is “oh so pretty”, great atmosphere, and yummy food.  Great WOW factor for a family circus that RARELY EVER gets to eat out… except on our one trip to Disney thus far.

*SWIMMING!!! (planning to surprise the kids with a quick swim after school today!   It’s our fave thing to do together and I just gotta get one more in!)

*Snuggles… (We’ve been both climbing in to bunk beds while I still can at night, and snuggling all day with “Snuggles”, my youngest, all day while the big kids are at school.  Heck!  I’ve even been snuggling with her like a teddy bear, letting that girl curl up in bed when I crash at the end of the day.  Irresistable.)

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‘Cuz of your prayers, I’m ready to take a Leap-o-Faith

After my last post, I felt something different happen in me.  I had such a relief from hearing the good news of my clear scans; however, I felt beyond just HAPPY.  I felt TRUE JOY that nothing could change.  I’ve had a lot of crazy hiccups along the way this week.  I was given many opportunities to get aggravated or frustrated at my long scroll of things to do before my surgery.  But with every dog throwing up in the car on the way back from the groomers, tomato sauce jar breaking in the pantry just after having the house spotlessly clean  cleaner than its been in a long time and kids calmly playing upstairs, having to redo my preop labs, …. (blah blah blah… I could go on. Trust me, there’s more)…  I was able to just take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and move on to the next baby step ahead.  And I was fine??  I say that with a question only because it makes no sense.  The only thing I can accredit that sense of calm, peace, and joy to keep on trucking to is to the spiritual army, navy, and marines  that I have behind me.  I feel like people kicked up their prayers a notch after that last post and juiced me up with some major Holy Spirit steroids! 

So, thank you!

Because of those prayers, and the goodness of God all year-long….

… and the faithful prayers of my many prayer warriors gone before me that just have to, I mean, they just have to be up there in Heaven rooting for me.

*Namely, my grandmother who most recently passed, just days after my last chemo treatment.  We promised to be prayer warriors for each other this past year, and she was faithful to her promise.  She prayed me through my entire cancer treatment course from start to finish.  Then her job, at least with me as just one tiny part of her enormous family that she started, was complete.  To her powerful prayers and her example that I’ve idolized always and held as a standard for strength, faithfulness, and a model of class, grace, and humility… I owe her my all. She surely has given me a strength that, no matter how many times I told her, she could hardly receive the compliment.  Yet, I hope she sees me now and I pray I make her proud as I break through this last finish line this week.

Because of MY GRANDMOTHER, my PARENTS, my HUSBAND, my KIDS, ALL of my family, my friends, our school and church community, neighbors, etc… and all of you out there who I have never even met…. I thank you.  You’ve  given us amazing strength to:

KICK CANCER’S BUTT AND TAKE NAMES!

………….

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FINALLY ….

(sorry for the long winded “sermon”)

This is 1 more chance for me to OFFER IT UP for YOU

As I said, you’ve been juicin’ me up with the Holy Spirit, and I pray you keep it going through my surgery, recovery, and life thereafter.  But, PLEASE… allow me to return the favor!  SEND ME YOUR INTENTIONS!!! Either comment here on this blog or on the Prayer Wall , or email me or message me privately on the TEAM BUNA FB page so that I can focus any nights or days of discomfort into a prayer intention.  Selfishly, it helps me redirect my mind elsewhere, but also gives use for all of this hoopla.  Redemptive Suffering can reward us all with some amazing graces!  Help me .. help you.  I mean that from the utmost of my being.

Any updates or other info after this will be posted either by my husband, my sister-in-law, or maybe even me?, on the TEAM BUNA Facebook page until I get my act together to make a real blog post here.

Until then…

“It’s gonna be alright”