My kids were home for a week just after my last blog post when I made that great decision to get back out there and start exercising! I vowed to keep on truckin’ no matter how big or how small my workouts could be, despite the pain I felt.   As you well know, whenever ya say your plans out loud….

(No need to finish that sentence.  We all know how they flutter away like fairy dust!)

Each morning, my kitchen was invaded with faces kinda like the little lady in the pic above.   I say “kinda” … and “like” because my kids never have their hair fixed so neatly as this chica, and there’s no way any of my crew could get a hold of so many cookies with out someone else swiping a few from her or ratting her out first!  But, hey!  Applause to you, Little Lady, for scoring a row of cookies before your siblings could find ya.  Do your thang, Gurl!  Ain’t many opportunities in life for that.  I  merely pray she find a gallon-o-milk real soon.  Aaaaaand some Pepto!

…………..

Back to reality:

So, it’s been a roller coaster.  (Such is life though, right?)  My plans of daily exercise and rehab became plans to more-or-less just be active with my crew.  Which became the silver lining.  That is, once I embraced it.

Ya see, the bloggity-blogger that writes all this stuff sometimes forgets.  After being so “gung-ho” all through treatment over the past year, I’m needing to read my own advice a lot more lately.  The pain I’ve been experiencing these past few months from my new medical “defense” protocol has really blindsided me and boggled my mind a bit, as it has no real “end” in sight.  It could quite possible just be my new reality, which is a tough “pill” to swallow (no pun intended… or maybe it is! Wakka Wakka!)

After a few days on my FUNNY FARM with 5 kiddos emptying my pantry daily, climbing the walls each rainy day of our vacation, wondering what in the world was up with Mommy, attempting a grocery run with my 2 year old which ended up like this….

“MISS INCREDIBLE”… Finally at rest from grocery store adventrues of packing and unpacking the cart, “restocking” the shelves, escaping the evil villain-mommy through the magic motion doors during checkout, and showing her strength in power down to the very last choice of grocery suckers. Tough being this “Incredibly TWO!!!”

SO… yeah,  I was just about “DONE!”  Stick a fork in me.  Yet, I could hear my guardian angel saying,

“Flip them over, cuz they’re NOT done.  They still have a whole other side, and so do you! Rally up mommy and own this FUNNY FARM! You’re on the crazy train, GOIN’ NO WHERE.  Not until you drive it!!!”

  I have a pushy guardian angel.  She must may be my maternal great grandmother, Alice (Allie).  The same firecracker that my lil’ Firecracker favors.  That great grandmother leaves legends of stories of a “lead foot”/”need for speed” as she actually (1) drove through a grocery store; (2) up the steps of a church; and (3) on to her neighbor’s porch ! Might I add each rendezvous was a separate occasion, all ending in her stepping out of the car and covering with a joke (ie: “Yeah, I’m here to pick up my sister!”  – When ya can’t hide it, own it, right? There’s a lesson here.  Stay with me.)  She was a lot of fun, a loose canon, and NEVER afraid to speak her mind! Never met her myself, but I hear I have a lot of her in me, as does my little strawberry blonde 5 year old.  Have mercy on us all!  (Don’t worry, I’m a good driver.  My kids are safe.  Yet Uber driver gift cards are ALWAYS welcome! 😉  Ha!)

Whatever little birdie, guardian angel, or cooky great grandmother was whispering in my ear that day… the nudge helped.  (As seems to be a current theme with these influential great grandmothers and grandmothers-o-mine, if you’ve been reading my blog posts.  Crazy.) My funny farm and our crazy train are mine.  Mine all mine.  It’s an exhausting and forever entertaining way to live… but guess what?

*We’re never bored.

*We’re always loved.

*Everyone here is covered in messy fingerprint hugs. (I have stained pants and shirts to prove it)

*My body aches every day. (Yet I know that it’s ‘cuz it just kicked cancer’s butt! Boom.)

*My scars are every where.  (Badges of honor)

*My body, my house, my everything… is perfectly imperfect, and that’s ok.  (It’s mine.)

I dreamed a lot, as a kid, of what I was going to be when I grew up.  I dreamed of being a comedienne, a cartoonist, a dancer, a singer, an actress, a writer, a rock star, a cruise ship performer, a Broadway star, a teacher, and a wife and mother.  And lately I’ve realized that, I’m in some ways, I get to be the greatest aspects of ALL that I’ve admired about each of those roles… and a SURVIVOR.   I fought long and hard to live, laugh, dance, sing, play, teach, and love my family and those around me.  And God has been with me, giving me the graces to fight HARD so that I could be here to do it NOW.  TODAY.  I don’t need to think too long about yesterday and what went wrong about our plans or missed opportunities, epic fails in my motherhood and “coulda-would-shouldas”, or what we can do tomorrow.  Instead I am gonna look at TODAY.

RIGHT NOW, I am home again with my youngest two (Firecracker’s home sick today) who genuinely love their mama. (Wow! That’s me!)  So when they wake from their naps (That is, if they’re actually sleeping up there. Hmmm?),  we’re gonna play dress up and maybe snuggle up and watch My Little Pony or even play Go Fish (Both of which may not be my first choice, but it’s Firecracker’s fave this week, so I’m gonna do my best to try and not overrule it and “sell” her on one of “Mommy’s choices”.  Oy!).  Who knows.  Maybe they’ll just play pretend. I won’t plan it.  More than likely, Snuggles (aka: “Miss Incredible”; or better yet, as she calls herself now: “The Boss”) will will “express her feelings” at some point and we’ll adjust our plans 2, 3, or 4 times.  But that’s life.  And with a few deep breaths, we’ll all be just fine.

As I said over … and over… and over again that day in the grocery when “Miss Impossible” took over the store AND the check out line,  my motto became:

“If I can kick cancer, I can handle this two year old’s tantrum…”

“If I can kick cancer, I can get this two year old back in the cart…”

“If I can kick cancer, I can shrug off the dirty looks from the line of people behind me…..”

“If I can kick cancer…  I can turn around and with confidence remind my audience that(with a smile and actually announcing), ‘She’s TWO, and she’ll grow out of it.  She’s just having a moment. We all had ’em, right?  Hopefully we just hide ’em better. But thanks for your concern!’ (And I literally curtsied… followed by round of applause from 2 women in back of the line!)

Oh If only, I’d remembered to do my Elvis impression: “Thank ya very much!”  Waste of a moment!    Anywho…   As I walked out, still smiling – so happy with myself, with still fussy & oh-so-sucker-sticky toddler on my hip while pushing full cart of groceries to the car,  I must admit I was walking a little taller.  I knew I’d finally marked a real milestone in my life. (Get ready to pull out the baby book, Mom, this needs to go in there!)

I’m finally a truly confidant woman!  It only took 37 years, 5 kids, and a lil’ ol’ breast cancer, but I FINALLY am owning my funny farm, “my crazy”, and my life… my crazy lovely life.  And I just don’t care if not one other person would like to be in my shoes, ‘cuz I wouldn’t trade with ’em anyway.   I’m also not especially curious as to whether or not they like my shoes (that is if I’m wearing any!) or how I choose to walk in ’em.  God gave me MY life… and I’m owning it!

May we all feel inspired, empowered, and seek the graces of God to go out into the world to  LIVE today, embracing each challenge and rejoicing in every blessing as He would have it with CONFIDENCE.

For many years I confused confidence with cockiness and therefore was afraid of it and lived much of my life shying from compliments and talking myself down, as many (women in particular) do.

The fact is, I think I never truly understood the true blessing and beauty of confidence. 

On my way home from that EPIC GROCERY RUN, I prayed a  prayer of thanksgiving FOR MY SURPRISING CONFIDENCE. (Weird, I know, but you have know I idea what a big deal that was for me, the “people-pleaser” that I am, who would have gone home and questioned myself about every detail as to how I should have handled the entire situation differently and better in earlier parenting years.)  In my prayers,  I came up with a personal definition of a confidant woman:

…..

A confident woman

embraces the greatest gifts

that exist within herself

and dares all those around her

to do the same.

-Buna

…..

I pray no one out there needs a diagnosis or tragedy to find their “cancer” (so to speak); however, sometimes, it’s in our struggles or in the friction and challenges of our lives that we dig our deepest.  In my experience, I found that the deeper we dig, we find that deep within us, we don’t only find ourselves, but we find God.  Where there is God, there is strength.  I pray that there, in that strength…

We all find the GRACE to embrace our personal “funny farms”…

OWN our “crazy trains” …

and DRIVE them with confidence because they’re OURS,

WITH GOD AS THE CONDUCTOR, guiding us in this path of life.

“CHOO! CHOO!!!”

(Can’t escape the CHEESINESS.  It’s like my own Jedi power.  THE CHEESE IS STRONG WITHIN ME)

Boo Radley Buna.  If you saw my yard and ever read to Kill a Mockingbird in middle school, my garden met the description of his.  Overgrown and neglected.  And the perfectly pitiful pout on one of my all time faves, Kristen Wiig, in this meme above?  Yup. That’s me, too.  Every. Single.  Morning… as I try to find some eyelashes to put mascara on in the sun-visor of my suburban.   Really?

After the past few months of trying to figure out what to do with my new achy body with my new meds,  daily routine of brushing on my still barely there eyebrows and wondering when (or if) my eyelashes would grow back, I can just imagine my grandmother’s voice,  “PPP.”  (Poor Pitiful Pearl).

Clearly, I’ve been raised by some strong women that while very loving and always ninja-like prayerful for your needs, they know just what to say (whether spoken aloud or not) to let ya know when it’s time to stop crying over spilled milk and DO SOMETHING.  At this point in my life, it’s my late grandmother on my mother’s side (who also had survived breast cancer, along with many many other near death experiences and came out on top time and time again, until the good Lord took her home eventually,  in His perfect timing. )  She was one TOUGH lady, no doubt, and a little tough love is just what I needed now.

Quite clearly, I’ve been dealing with PTSD, yet at the same time,  looking out in my clear moments (that do in fact come each day, mind you) at the beauty in the world around me in my kids, my hubbie, my friends and fam, and snap out of it! I find myself forever trying to figure out the balance between…

…wanting to hold my fam as close as possible and not move another inch

…or get out there and take the world by storm, never missing a moment of what life has to offer! 

I’ve spent a lot of time in thought about all of this.   Whether it was in  some of my off in space moments frozen in time, as I’d mentioned before, or awake and at physical therapy appointments, or in conversations with family members, docs, or fellow survivors, trying to figure out just HOW I could even ATTEMPT any of the things I want to do since my normally very physical self hasn’t been able to keep up with my usual workout routines and hobbies.  My knees creak when I use stairs,  I somehow have a disc that’s gotten agitated and out of place in my lower back….  You’d think I was decades older than I am.  All these throwbacks remain from treatment last year along with new side effects of my preventative meds to block reactive estrogen cells and protect my cancer from returning until my cure … or possible longer.  ?!?!?!!!!!

  And this is why it’s hard to say,  “I FEEL GREAT!” when people ask how I feel.

But ya know what?  I’m soooo over it!

I want to feel great.  Heck, I want to feel good!  I’m so ready.

If this is what I need to do to protect my life and ensure that my kids have a mommy, my hubbie has a wife, and … I HAVE MY LIFE,  A LIFE WITHOUT CANCER,  then I’m not gonna sit around here any more like BOO RADLEY BUNA, just waiting it out until the cure!

only one portion of my “before” (Boo Radley-esque)garden. the other half was twice as overgrown, just attacked it too quick before I could snap a pic

…………………………….

TIME FOR A CHANGE:

So for now,

-1-

MED PLANS WITH PIRATE SHERLOCK  and GETTING BACK TO MY SUPPLEMENTS

The good pirate doc is helping me to detox from the current med before we start a new form.  I’m also beginning taking francincense and thieves oils daily through my oils as well as my Melaleuca AM and PM daily supplement packs to help my overall energy and calcium growth, as well as daily fiber to help decrease my chances of a recurring breast cancer diagnosis.

My docta is the bomb and is cool with anything I can do to live well and assist in what he’s doing for me and my family in the wellness dept.  We’re both determined to find the BEST plan of attack to keep me  CANCER free and as PAIN free as possible so that this life that I’ve been blessed to have now is a great one!

-2-

PULLIN IN THE GRUB REIGNS

I’m pulling the reigns in a bit more on our family nutrition again.  Never crazy, as we do in fact need to live and celebrate; yet we do everything as a team over here.  And if I can do more things to help the inflammation in my body, than I’m going to do it for the whole fam to help them and protect their bids as well.  We’re big on that and I’m happy to get back on track with my clean eating again.

-3-

GETTIN MY GROOVE ON

EXERCISE:  I met my hubbie while training for a marathon at the gym that we both worked at right here where our children all still swim in the summers.  I danced my whole life, taught kickboxing all through college, etc., etc. ….   In other words, to find myself in pain simply walking down stairs or getting up from sitting to standing is a night mare!  However, I know that, being an adrenaline junkie and an extrovert, “social morphine” would kick in if I walked into a kick boxing class and I’d find a way to do a brand new class at the highest impact and love every minute!  As the music would end and the attendants would leave, I’d collapse in pain, suddenly realizing and feeling my joints that were screaming at me all through the class, unbeknownst to my psycho-self.  I’m weird like that.  Therefore, with incredible self control, I’m not entering those classes right now, even though every pretty long-locked-blonde-super-fit-mom-friend has invited me to at the local club that I’ve been going to with my trial membership (my physical therapist is there… doing some BUTT KICKIN’ DRY NEEDLING!  SHOUT OUT TO Eric Cedor  & Troy Bourgeois of “The Science & Movement Center” WHOOP WHOOP!!!)

So what can I do?  Now that Eric’s really helping me get some relief in my back again,  I’m stretching each morning either during or after my morning prayers,  I’m getting movement again (and breaking up scar tissue from my surgeries!).  I may not be running in this gorgeous spring weather the way I’d like to, or trying out all of those cool classes like I’d like to with my friends, or even flying through my Beachbody DVDS that I have on my shelves as I did before.  Instead,  I’m babystepping through good ol’ Mari Windsor  with dancer-like pilates that I grew up doing since I was in kindergarten or younger.  And ya know what,  it suits me just fine,  I can do it with my girls who are prepping for cheer try outs, and who knows… maybe I’ll even be doing my splits again soon!

-4-

BUNA-FUL GARDEN … FULL OF WILD FLOWERS AND BABY STEPS

What it all comes down to, is that,  the weeds that had overtake my garden were so symbolic of how I see everything.  “GO BIG OR GO HOME!”  Often times, that’s true.  As a performer and choreographer, that’s perfect for the stage.  But I treat the world like a stage.  If I can’t do it BIG, than I don’t’ want to do it at all.  Well, when I looked out at my Boo Radley garden and spent time (With my belt wrapped around my back for support.  Nod to my P.T. So he knows I’m being cautious) thinking and realized that about myself.

I made a decision.  This time.  I’m taking baby steps.  FOR REAL THOUGH.

I didn’t need to go spend a ton of money buying new plants, flowers, soil, and mulch, and break our backs and budget on an over the top garden that I’ll probably forget to water and kill half it (let’s be honest).  Nope.  Just like everything else in my life right now,  I’m just gonna start with pulling the weeds out and seeing what we’ve got to work with.  And that I did.  And it turned out, that after just a little pulling, pruning, and weed eating, what was there was simple and lovely and just what we needed for this Easter.  In fact, we even had some brand new little decorations given to my kiddos (for free! Thanks, Jenny!) to put in the bare spots that we normally would have planted a money pit of flowers.

LESS IS MORE… symbolically simply lovely (notice our pup peeking out the door window!)

…………………………………………….

And there you have it. 

We’re saying good bye to Boo Radley Buna.   In fact, very unlike ol’ Boo,  we’ve pulled our old porch bench out in front of the garden to watch the kids play and visit with neighbors more.  Now would ol’ Boo Radley have done that?  I think not!

We’re taking baby steps not only to gardening, all things exercise, food, but life in general.

I may not be attacking everything like the WONDER WOMAN MOM that I’m itching to be and feel like I should be on the days when I come out of my fog and suddenly want to make up for lost time and seize the life I’ve been gifted,  but  I am enjoying each day, one day at a time with my family: some challenging, some easy and breezy.  Some days we’re playing in the back yard, some just watching my toddler stopping to smell the clovers with her imaginary friend, “Mr.Firewalker“, on the side of the road (literally. Ha!) and some just laying on the floor doing old school Mari Windsor Pilates in my living room hoping to get into those Pilates classes in the gym or on the elliptical… maybe one day?  Just not today.

Either way, today, I’m moving forward.  I’m not letting the weeds grow over thoughts, holding me captive to my own brain.  I’m not letting my body go stiff at its joints, refusing to let me dance as I always have.  Every day, I’ll get up slowly, stretch and get moving… and as the day goes, I’ll move more, and by the end of today…

I’LL MAKE TODAY JEALOUS OF YESTERDAY

AND TOMORROW JEALOUS OF TODAY

EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY, AND CANCER WILL NEVER TAKE THESE DAYS AWAY FROM US.

THANK YOU GOD FOR TODAY.

*Please do yourself a favor and click below.  Just a little song that always gets me through.. even if I’m listening to it in the parking lot of Target on an alone trip for errands late at night. (Like I did just yesterday!)  Sneak ’em when I can:

Matt Maher: Lord I Need You